This Is Harder Than I Thought

I didn't realize how difficult and trying this was going to be. I have always been a strong person and the people that know me best have seen we lately at my weakest. I'm trying to do things to keep my mind off of everything like getting out of the house, started exercising again and I'm even donating my breast milk. But yesterday I decided to go to my friends baby shower. What was I thinking? After it was done I got in my car and broke down. That was suppose to be my shower, I was still suppose to have a big belly with a kicking baby inside. I just don't understand why it was all ripped away from us. Now I'm left with this empty belly and the fear of getting pregnant again and loosing another baby. You would think that having my 3 year old would comfort all this but the worst part is that it doesn't. All I do all day is mope and cry and lay in bed. I have suffered from depression since I was 10 but this is the worst.

Learn to appreciate the Lettuce's and Mushrooms

Recently I have learned to really appreciate the taste of two things, Mushroom and Lettuce's. I have never really been into either until I came across some of both at our local farmers market. Most people, when they think of the two they imagine the white pre-cut mushroom that have no taste and good old iceburg lettuce. I got some Cremini, Portabella, Oyster and Chantrell's in the mushroom group. For the lettuce's I got Endive, Radicchio, Romaine, and Butter Leaf. Both the mushrooms and lettuce's had so much flavor to them.

All I did with the mushrooms was saute them in a pan with some butter, very little salt and some pepper. That' it and they tasted so yummy. They were very hearty and filling too. These particular mushrooms can also be found in your local grocery store. The Chantrell's on the other hand, I have yet to see in the stores and probably because of their price, about $13 per pound. I recommend experimenting with mushrooms though and really enjoying their taste. There'e is much more to the mushroom than you think.

The lettuce's I chose just happen to be the only kind they had at the Market. Again, whenever I thought of lettuce I thought of the plain iceberg that has no nutritional value at all. These lettuce's were so yummy and flavorful that I hardly needed dressing at all. The endive had a slight bitter taste, the butter lettuce was buttery, the Radicchio was robust and a bit bitter too and the romaine was nice and crunchy and a bit sweet. Never will iceberg be aloud in my fridge again! As for the dressing all I used was some Olive Oil, Red Wine Vinegar, Dijon Mustard, Salt and Pepper. I made just enough to lightly coat the leafs so you can still taste the lettuce's. Yummy and refreshing.

The Tragedy That Hit Our Family

So it all started on Thursday when I went in for an ultrasound. The second the Dr. looked at Ema's chest he said there was no heartbeat. I was in disbelief. I just broke down and kicked him out of the room. After I composed myself I called Rob and he left work and came to the dr's office. We talked with the dr and he said that our baby girl was gone and I would have to deliver her and they would induce me. I would be called to the hospital within the next 48 hours.

Finally on Saturday morning they called me and said to come down. We got to Marian around 10am and got all checked in. At 12pm they starting the inducing by inserting 2 Cytotec pills into my cervix. They did this every 4 hours. Finally on my 3rd dose I started having regular but mild contractions. I chose to have the PCA pain meds so I could get some rest because I knew it was going to be a long night. Finally at 12am they started the Pitocyn. I was still at 0cm. My contractions started to get a little more intense but dealable. I went all day Sunday with medium contractions and still not dilating. At 12pm Sunday they upped the Pitocyn and my contractions went into full force. The pain meds weren't helping anymore but I thought I could handle it. Finally at 8:30pm I said screw it and had them do an Epidural. Right after they put in the Epidural my Dr came in and broke my water. I was finally able to take a nap. At 11:30pm Sunday night my nurse came in and was just going to change my pad under me but I woke up with this sudden urge to push. She checked me and I was at 10cm. Apparently I needed the epidural. She called my Dr and I started pushing once he got there. I pushed twice and Ema was born. I finally had the VBAC and natural birth I had always wanted. Once I delivered the placenta we could also see what the cause of death was, Ema only turned one way inside of me and twisted the cord so tight it pinched it off. My Dr. said she would have made a fancy dancer.

Ema Tagikiama Jenny Miscoi was stillborn at 11:58pm on 2/28/2010. She weighed 1lbs 2oz and was 13.5in long. She looked just like her sister did just a lot smaller. She already had a full head of hair. We were able to spend several hours with her and at 11am Monday morning they took her. We got lots of pictures and they gave us a keepsake box for everything. We have hand and foot prints. We also had her baptized right after she was born.

I came home on Tuesday morning. We are having Ema cremated and will have her home next week. I never in my life thought this would happen to us and I still cry every night. We will try again and just pray that our next baby will make it full term.